Gathering of the Fake Teachers

Tuesday, September 15, 2009
As recent events have illustrated that confining myself to one or two school districts is a bad idea, I recently contacted all districts within 40 miles of home asking to be considered for a job, or at least placed on their sub-lists. While a few of the responded, only one of them was within a reasonable driving distance. The down-side to expanding to a new district is the requisite “training” that all new recruits must endure. Granted, the opportunities that this new district will afford will ultimately be beneficial, however as I drove to the main office I was dreading the afternoon I would have to spend there. First, I was instructed to arrive at 11:30, which precluded me from taking an assignment subbing elsewhere. Oh well, I always appreciate being able to sleep in (even after an entire summer of doing so). More disturbing was the fact that the meeting was supposed to last until 3:00, which led me to wonder – very bluntly – what the hell we were going to do for nearly four hours.
My questions were answered when I arrived at the office, collected a stack of informational photocopies, and proceeded to wait 30 minutes for the first presenter to arrive. The wait wasn’t bad, although it did make me rethink my choice to cut off an unassuming Asian family whose mini-van I almost ran off the road as I cut them off in my haste to arrive on time. My table-mates, who were all new to subbing, were very pleasant and interested in the process – I assured them that their zeal would fade with time.
While I appreciate the institution (it means I don’t have to go back to manual labor as I wait for), and love the experience of being in various classes and schools, there is nothing more aggravating that feeling like an unappreciated piece of the scenery in the classroom or department. While the students can often treat you like an unpleasant smell – something to be dealt with until it goes away – the teachers can likewise be less than welcoming to subs: reacting more to the fact that you take up a seat at their lunch table than if you successfully get through the school day.
Regardless, my words to the new subs were encouraging, and we settled into the orientation. It was as I expected. A twenty minute welcome was followed by a ten minute demonstration on how to use an Epi-Pen, and then a twenty minute break for coffee and cookies (we were totally famished after thirty whole minutes of listening, so the time off was welcomed by all). The break was followed by a solicitation for a teachers-only bank account, and then a thirty minute video encouraging us to have a positive attitude in everything we do. By that time it was blatantly obvious that we – a room full of substitute teachers – were being given the same presentation that all other employees were required to receive, and as such were then subjected to a forty five minute video regarding everything from proper management of school budgets to the appropriate ear-protection when using a ride-on lawnmower.
By 2:00 every set of eyes in the room were anxiously dancing between the clock and an in-depth presentation of the means of prevention of blood-borne pathogens (BBP’s) which apparently can be contracted AT ANY TIME. As we’re being cautioned to wear gloves when handling any bodily fluids, it took everything in me not to share the fact that I would be the first one out of the room if a student vomited blood like the scenario in the video.
In the end, I learned two things. The first thing I learned is that the members of human resources don’t consider subs to be “real” teachers as evidenced by the comments made throughout the presentation:
“So… when you get a real job here…”
“Oh… you’re not real employees?”
“Of course, you can get a bank account with us if you’re only a sub, you’ll be a teacher eventually right?”
“You’ll need to know this when you have an actual teaching job…”
And my favorite: “You don’t need to fill out the whole form; you’re not a real teacher.”
Each of these comments was followed by some form of muttered apology, but by the end all of the attending teachers felt very similar: we’re a necessary afterthought.
The second thing I learned was how to accept temporary assignments on the internet.